I promise you these things.

For the year of 2009, I vow...

• To inhabit my body at all times and to put it into motion on a daily basis.

• To extend my cuticles and follicles at a constant rate. I will on occasion cut them as I see fit.

• To distinguish among various physical features and personality traits that I may individualize my fellow sentient beings.

• To produce an endless stream of saliva, mucus, urine, sweat, feces, sleepy-eye-stuff, earwax, and semen, which shall be deposited in various receptacles or wiped onto tissues, hands, sleeves, undergarments, and the like.

• To coordinate my lips, larynx, and thoughts that I may produce intelligeable modulations of my voice. Others will hopefully listen to my efforts and respond in kind.

• To slowly decompose over the course of many years, after which I shall do away with vow number one and allow my body to quickly decompose over a shorter duration of time.

I'm really excited to see how all this works out. It will be difficult - I'm not going to pretend like it's not - but with the right attitude and determination I feel I can master these six vows. If you have vows for the upcoming year (I'm not sure if there's an actual term for this idea, as I assume I made it up), please keep them to yourself. I've got my own vows to focus on.

Happy New Year,

Birdhaus, Harbinger of Januarys

Birdhaus begins.

"Dear Birdhaus,

These are difficult times. The world is in turmoil and no one knows how to stop it. All the great heroes are either dead or have been corrupted. The youngins' clothes are too small and the oldins don't seem to mind so much. The End of Days draws nigh, we think.

Why just look at these difficult to verify statistics!

Did you know that 96% of the world's animals have AIDS?
Are you aware that it took one enraged and horny man to cause 86% of that previous statistic?
91% of people WILL DIE at some point in their lives!
57% of the leading 12% of statisticians agree that 74% of 45% is unreasonable.

How can you argue with these numbers? How can anyone argue about anything? The last person who argued was beaten to death with a cup, which was in turn devoured by an AIDS-ridden panda. That panda choked and DIED! And China wants revenge!

So we turn to you, Birdhaus. Please rid the land of these evils by posting a blog. Blogs are so rare these days. Yours may be the only one left... Enclosed is a coupon to Best Buy and a dried pressed flower that this hippie girl gave us at a concert we weren't really all that into. We were too polite to refuse it.

Love,
The People"


Dear The People,

Thanks for the touching letter. You know what ? I WILL write a blog. It's weird, because I was planning to write one anyway. My jaw has been clicking a lot lately, so who knows how much longer I have to survive. I may soon be part of that 91% statistic... I'd say that's funny, but I don't make jokes. I make wishes come true.

So let the blog begin! I'll even have contributors help me out. I've a great many friends and several enemies who owe me big time. I hope this heals the world. I'll be surprised if it doesn't.

Your welcome,
XOXOXO
Birdhaus