How to keep kids out of your yard - by Cheryl Fjord

Here's a piece of "How To" information as posted by an invalid jam manufacturer and philosopher named Cheryl Fjord. I invited him to contribute to my blog on occasion. Please welcome him as you would a mentor, insightful guru, and dare I say... friend?

"Nothing is worse than sitting down at my breakfast table to a hot cup of coffee and jammy toast, looking out the window, and discovering that some 6-year-old is stomping about in my yard, digging up worms and begging for cookies. These little simpletons are a menace and a burden. But unless you have one of your own, there is little you can do to control them. Parents and police are no help. I know! After thousands of letters and countless rake-brandishing incidents, I've deduced that while some kids may be curbed, most of them pay no heed to me and my complaints. In fact, I suspect some parents were sending children out to my yard just to enrage me.


So what can be done? For starters, I can alter the environment around my house and create a world that children will want no part of. I myself can become an object of fear and uncertainty. After a solid month of hard work, I can now safely say that kids will go blocks out of their way to avoid me. As an added bonus, my neighbors have moved away and I haven't had a phone call in weeks.

Would you like to regain your privacy and find the peace you seek?

Here are but a few tips to KEEP KIDS OUT OF YOUR YARD:

1.) Leave dead animals laying around. At first, children come by to poke them and collect bugs. Practice patience. A few more days and no one will be able to bear the smell long enough to brave a visit. Other animals may arrive to consume the dead. Kill those animals. A graveyard of wild corpses should deter the little trespassers and create a healthy atmosphere of terror.

2.) Wander outside in the nude. Keep an unpredictable schedule for your outings.

3.) Hire a mad clown to sleep on your porch. Get him drunk. The rest will take care of itself.

4.) "Bee" inventive: Line wasps' nests ‘round your property. Throw rocks on occasion to keep the insects on their guard. Do not combine this with tip #2. You may combine this with tip #3 for added effect.

5.) Do you have trees? Hollow them out into nightmarish faces. When you walk by one, put your neck on a low-hanging branch and pretend it's throttling you. This shows by example what happens to those who cross over to your domain.

6.) Make it your morning ritual to go out into the street, rub the sleep out of your eyes and loudly ask God who you should punish today. Point at anyone nearby with an accusatory finger and rhetorically ask "Will it be yooooou?"

7.) Pretend you have an imaginary friend. Look up when you talk to him to give the impression that he is huge. Keep telling him to calm down.

8.) Place a kiln out front. Hang a sign on the door that says "kidz only" in crayon. It's blatant, but effective.

9.) Grow your fingernails out. Sharpen them. Put on a cape. Cackle. Run in circles.

10.) Operate your own rickety lemonade stand at 10 cents a cup. Look excessively determined. If children actually ask for lemonade, put in some dry ice and refuse to explain why it's smoking.
These tips work! Yes, my mailman refuses to come around and the alderman speaks out against me every chance he gets. But I haven't seen a child in ages. Why should you?

Good luck and stay out of my way!"